I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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