All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
