just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
