I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
