So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
