Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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