my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
