the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Dicks are not precious.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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