he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
