Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
