Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He felt like a one man threesome
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
