i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
