I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
She bit a glass in half.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
