Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
