So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
