The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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