I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
