dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
