You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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