Someone shit on the floor
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
