So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
