We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
