I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
