Betty ford says i'm here all night
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
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