new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I just found a bag of teeth...
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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