You really coming over, don't trick.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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