So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
