I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
