So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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