***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
It was confusing and full of hummus
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
