is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
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