I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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