I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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