Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
