i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
