You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
