my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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