you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
