you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
