i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
