I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Randomize
