I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
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