She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
