You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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