Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
