3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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