when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
