Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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