I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Four minutes until I can fart!
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
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