I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
