I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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