the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
