It's like a parade of train wrecks.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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