I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
false alarm. still invincible.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
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