I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
