Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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