we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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